Bittersweet Symphony
by Yukiko-neechan
Summary: Yuki is incapable of change, and an amicable break up ends up breaking both hearts. YukiShuichi


Title: Bittersweet Symphony

Author: Yukiko

Warnings: Just some citrus.

Pairings: Yuki/Shuichi

Summary: AU timeline. Set 5 years after Shuichi and Yuki begin dating. Gravi EX never happened. Yuki is incapable of change, and an amicable break up ends up breaking both hearts. This may turn into a series, if I get an idea of what happens after, and if people want to read it enough. So read + review, please!

Disclaimer: If only I did own these boys… I'd make them do lewd things to each other. Oh wait… Maki Murakami is already doing that… neeheeheehee.

-----

"I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down." - Bittersweet Symphony, The Verve

-----

"Yuki, they're asking me if I can relocate to America."

Shuichi was leaning into Yuki's study, because he didn't want to establish himself comfortably there, and then have to get up again when this conversation became unbearable. The blond man was typing away at his computer as usual, trying to put the finishing touches on his novel that was to be sent out next week. He looked up briefly.

"And you said?"

"Well, I said that I'd speak with you, of course. Discuss it over."

"What did you want to discuss?"

The nonchalance was starting to piss Shuichi off. "Us. I wanted to discuss us."

"What about us?"

"How far do you prefer me to be, exactly?"

Yuki looked up for a longer period of time this time. Shuichi was being more ballsy than usual. "It's your decision, isn't it? My preference is my preference. This is your career you're talking about. Where do you want to be?"

"Well, I don't really know. I mean… I don't really care if it's just me, either in America or in Japan. I can make music wherever I go…" Shuichi didn't know how he should ask what he wanted to ask, which was essentially the 'where is this relationship going' question. He knew that Yuki cared about him, but he also knew that if backed into a corner, Yuki would sooner bolt than anything else. He had hoped that he could subtly lead up to the question, but Yuki had always been more of a conversational wizard than him. And Yuki seemed to be dead set upon avoiding the question.

"Listen, brat, I really have to get this chapter done tonight…"

"Yuki, no. This is really important to me."

Momentarily stunned, the author couldn't believe that his normally timid brat said 'no' to him. "Then sit there, think about it really hard, and make your decision. But do it somewhere else."

"I really want to know!"

A pause. "No, brat, I really have to get back to—"

Shuichi had had enough of these dodged questions. He had a decision to make. "Is-it-worthwhile-for-me-to-stay-here?" It came out in one quick breath, but at least it came out. Shuichi was little proud of himself, because he had said it in exactly the way that he'd meant to, and hadn't chickened out. Now, though, came the part where he'd have to hear the answer, and he wasn't so sure anymore.

Yuki finally stopped typing, and turned away from the computer. "Is it… worthwhile…" A look passed over his eyes, for a brief second, and then it was gone. A glare replaced it. "Wow, brat. I never thought you'd ever have so much spine. I must say I'm pleasantly surprised."

"I'm serious, Yuki," Shuichi said, even though he was running out of bravado. "I was talking with Hiro, and he said that there were opportunities to be had in America. We could take ourselves worldwide… we'd be in a better position to do that."

The habitual Yuki-smirk came onto the author's face. "Why am I not surprised that Hiro wants you to move…"

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing… Just that your little friend is fully aware that in America, there is no me."

The jealous side of Yuki used to make Shuichi happy. If it was a couple of years ago, Shuichi would've taken this as enough of a sign that Yuki wanted to stay with him. But it wasn't a couple of years ago anymore, and Shuichi felt like he could no long afford to waste his life with someone so undependable. This was why when this whole America thing came up, something in the offer resonated with him… He could finally make a decisive change, all on his own, about the future of their relationship.

"There's nothing between me and Hiro. He doesn't want me that way. And even if he did, it wouldn't matter because I'm with you. But it matters if _you_ want me with you, Yuki. Because I need to decide…"

"If it's _worthwhile_, to stay with me."

"Yuki…" Shuichi sighed, getting sick of this. "You know it's not like that. You know I want to stay with you…"

"Then what's it like?"

"Do_ you_ want to stay with _me_?"

Another flash of a look beneath Yuki's eyes. This conversation was clearly getting too serious for his liking. He wasn't used to the brat demanding answers from him. He wasn't used to being depended on this much, or having to say the right thing because someone's decisions hinged on them. He wasn't used to making promises. He didn't like it at all.

And he knew it. He knew that Shuichi was likely holding his breath, because every fiber of his being was waiting for Yuki's answer. That their entire relationship had been building up to this point, make it or break it. He knew what Shuichi wanted to hear and he knew what he didn't.

Yet, he still said, with the same casual tone that he would've used if he was putting down another one of Shuichi's lyrics, "Whatever, brat, do whatever you want. I don't give a rat's ass, and I have got to get back to this chapter."

Yuki turned back to his computer, so that he wouldn't have to watch Shuichi's face crumple. The boy had known all along that this might be all the answer he got, if he pushed it this far. He had prepared and steeled himself for it. Still, the disappointment hit him right in the stomach, and he almost couldn't draw his next breath.

The silence reigned for some time.

Shuichi still stood in the doorway, the light from the hallway spilling into the darkened computer room, creating a distorted silhouette of the singer on the hardwood floor. The click-clacking of the keys were back. Yuki's eyes were glued to the nonsense words he was typing to disguise the fact that he couldn't look at Shuichi.

Then… "Okay, Yuki." Shuichi drew a deep steadying breath, his voice almost coming out firm. "I think there are a lot of opportunities for me in America. It'd be really good to check some of them out. I owe it to myself, I think…" He trailed off here, for a bit. "So… I'm gonna go."

This was a script, Yuki was thinking. This was a play that neither of them had the power to change, and they were just following the lines to their inevitable conclusion. How impossibly heartbreaking, Yuki's thoughts went in his head, honest enough when there was no one to hear them. He should put this in a book. Something with a lovable and ditzy heroine, and a cold-hearted coward of a lover.

Not really having anything else to say, Yuki just shrugged and said, "Glad I could help."

The tears had come, for Shuichi, finally. They were silent still, thank god, but they were there nonetheless. Originally, he had wanted to get it all out in one go, tell Yuki when they were planning to leave, that they would be there indefinitely (which he suspected Yuki already knew), etc. etc… But he didn't think he could get it out now, with this lump in his throat. So he just fled.

Shuichi ran down the hall, and banged open the door in his rush to leave the apartment. Yuki assumed that he was going somewhere—probably Hiro's—to cry his eyes out. All of this, Yuki had anticipated, and dreaded, ever since the conversation had begun.

What he hadn't anticipated was the wetness he could feel sliding down his face. The nonsense words he had been typing, for the lack of anything better to do while Shuichi was there watching him, were blurring in front of his eyes. His mind blanked, but one thought came back to him…

I shouldn't care this much.

-----

Steps in the foyer woke Yuki from a restless sleep. He looked up at the clock on the computer screen, and realized that he had fallen asleep at his desk while waiting for Shuichi to come home. He belatedly realized that there must've been evidence of his angst from the night before on his face, and scrubbed his hands vigorously across his eyes before walking out into the hallway.

"Brat, you were out all night…"

Shuichi looked up at him while taking off his shoes, his eyes undoubtedly as red as Yuki's had to be. In a tired voice, he said, "Yeah, I kind of fell asleep on the park bench."

"Idiot." But the word didn't have the usual harshness to it.

Both just stood there across the hallway, staring at each other in awkward silence, not knowing what to say.

It was Shuichi who broke it. "Um, so I have to start packing. K will be here in the morning to start picking up my stuff for shipping…"

"Oh…" Yuki tried to dredge up some of his usual cutting retorts, to dismiss the conversation that he didn't want to be having, but couldn't really manage anything. "When are you…?" He couldn't finish the sentence either. Apparently, he was useless early mornings, before coffee, he thought humorlessly to himself.

"Next Friday."

Six days, Yuki counted.

"Yeah, K's going ahead, with all of our stuff, to set up everything. And then we'll follow a couple of days after. Apparently, we already have apartments over there."

The author hated this conversation. He wanted out. Now. But instead, his traitorous mouth asked, "You living close to Hiro?"

Shuichi was, but not like that, so he shook his head and said, "Yeah, he's gonna be across the hall from me." He hoped that Yuki would know, somewhere inside, that he'd be missing him like crazy, because then Yuki might let himself miss Shuichi, too. He just found that once last night's conversation was over, he couldn't say any of those types of things out loud again. Not when he knew he would be leaving in six days. That'd make it too real.

Yuki was nodding. "Good… good." He'll look out for you, he thought.

Shuichi didn't say anything to that. He heard the subtext left unsaid, too, and felt his decision dig a little bit deeper into him. It was painful knowing that Yuki cared for him, but just could never do it the way he wanted him to.

Then, Yuki finally said, "Okay, well, I've got to go. I'll see you later tonight." He brushed past Shuichi, unwashed face and unbrushed teeth and all, and left the apartment.

Come twilight, Yuki was still in his car. Hadn't gotten out of it since he had left the apartment early that morning. And he was parked at the edge of this odd stretch of field—odd for its undisturbed existence in the city—between his apartment and NG headquarters, that Shuichi had always liked and wanted to picnic in. He got out and started wading into the tall grasses.

All day, he'd been thinking.

Shuichi was leaving. Shuichi was leaving in six days. But so what. Things will just go back to normal, like before the brat blew into his life. Things will settle down, he'll get more writing done. So what…

What was Tohma doing, sending them all the way to America, anyway? Oh, right, worldwide exposure… Bad Luck's success.

Didn't Shuichi promise he'd stay with Yuki forever?

That thought had come to him while his stomach was riding out some tough ulcer pains during lunch, it having realized that it had missed both lunch and breakfast, and probably was about to miss some dinner as well. Damn straight…

Yuki had turned on some music, trying to chase away a sudden inexplicable feeling of loneliness. But it was Bad Luck on the radio, so he eventually gave into it. And that was when the anger set in.

Shuichi_had_ promised he'd stay. What was he doing growing a pair and leaving all of a sudden?

This was all such bullshit, Yuki thought while he ran a red light. The bitch comes in, disrupts his life, and ruins it by leaving? Fuck that. He didn't need that shit.

Shuichi probably would've laughed, at least a little, if he knew that Yuki was thinking of him as a bitch for leaving. As it was, Yuki found the singer in front of the TV in the dark, playing video games listlessly, when he finally came home.

Shuichi stopped and turned around. "Yuki… I was starting to get worried."

Yuki didn't say anything. Just took off his shoes and proceeded to disappear into his bedroom.

Shuichi didn't follow him. He slept on the couch for the next five nights.

-----

Thursday rolled around. True to his word, K had come by on Tuesday and picked up all of Shuichi's stuff. The apartment had sat empty for the past two days, and Yuki had been gone even more than usual.

The author couldn't stand it. He had thought that this might come to pass someday, that the singer might want more than he could give someday… But he just hadn't been quite prepared for it to come so soon. The emptying of his apartment grated on his nerves, so that everyday, he had gone out, intending to find some willing body, and fuck his troubles away. But everyday, he had found that he couldn't go through with it, and had gone home, reeking of the alcohol instead of some woman's perfume, and promptly passed out on his bed. The next day, rinse and repeat.

Until today. Today, he woke up to hands trying to maneuver off the clothes he had fallen asleep in.

"Brat, what are you doing?!"

"Trying to get you into the shower. You stink," Shuichi declared, looking for all the world like the past couple of days hadn't happened and that he wasn't leaving in another day to America.

"No, fuck off, maybe I like it." He tried to shrug Shuichi's hands off his arm.

"Well, I don't, so I'm making you shower."

"Maybe that's why I have it. As a brat repellant."

Shuichi laughed. "Right. That's why we've been sleeping together for five years. 'Cause you were trying to _repel_ me."

The retort caught Yuki off-guard, so Shuichi succeeded in stripping him the rest of the way. He tossed the clothes into the hamper before following Yuki into the shower.

Once they were in, and both beneath the odd comfort of the hot spray, Shuichi said, "I called the shop down the street and had some strawberry shortcake ordered, ready for pick up after this." But for some reason, the echo off the shower walls made the occasion seem somber, so he stopped talking about strawberry shortcake and began lathering Yuki's hair in silence.

The blond closed his eyes beneath Shuichi's soothing administrations, but after a couple of minutes, said, "I'm glad I didn't end up sleeping with anyone."

Shuichi read into it what Yuki had intended to say, and replied, "Me too."

"I know you'll make it… worldwide." It was easier, Yuki found, to say this with Shuichi behind him, unable to see his face.

"Thanks, Yuki. I'll try."

"I'll talk to your friend Hiro later, and tell him you'll need to be fed, like, four times a day."

Shuichi laughed at that.

Feeling a little encouraged by Shuichi's relaxed air, Yuki continued, "I… went by that field you like so much the other day…"

Shuichi made a 'hmm' sound.

"I was thinking… Maybe we can go and eat there, tonight."

Surprised for only a second, Shuichi pulled his shampoo-ey hands from Yuki's hair and wrapped his arms around Yuki's waist from behind.

"I love you, Yuki…"

Even though he didn't say anything in reply, the taller man placed his hands over Shuichi's arms. And Shuichi's heart swelled, and then broke a little bit, from all the things he knew the blond was suddenly trying to say to him, but never would be able to. He turned his lover of five years around to face him.

Yuki was sure that the water rolling off from the shower would be enough to hide the fact that he was crying, so he didn't bother trying to hide his face. Instead, he pulled Shuichi closer to him, and kissed him.

They stopped talking then. And some moments later, when Yuki was entering Shuichi, Shuichi got the distinct feeling that it was no longer just_sex_ in the shower… they were making love, and he knew, saying goodbye.

Later, when they were finished, they toweled each other off and went to pick up those pastries together. Dinner was made in companionable silence, each working around each other in packing the things the other liked best. At one point, Shuichi cut his finger a little bit, and Yuki berated him loudly, just like he always did.

Then, six o'clock rolled around, and the sun was low in the sky. The minutes before sunset found Yuki feeding strawberry yogurt to Shuichi. Yuki was deep in thought, and had fallen silent, so Shuichi allowed himself to simply enjoy the man's company, peripherally aware that he would be losing it come morning.

Yuki's movements halted, and his gaze locked on Shuichi's face. Uncharacteristically hesitant, he began, "Shuichi…"

Shuichi briefly wondered what he would do if Yuki asked him to stay now. But then, knowing Yuki, he quickly dismissed the notion.

Unable to get out the words he had originally wanted, Yuki ended up asking, "… Why now? Why so suddenly?"

"Because, Yuki… it's not so suddenly. We've been together for a long time, and at first, I thought that that'd be enough. But then, it wasn't. And here's a chance for me to finally be something other than the boy waiting for his boyfriend to say the words he wants to hear… Here's a chance for me to be more…" Shuichi broke off, realizing that this was probably a little bit difficult for Yuki to hear, and he didn't really want to hurt his lover more than was necessary. He just stared off into the setting sun.

Yuki struggled, knowing that these moments—this conversation—were chances, too. To say the things that might make Shuichi stay. But he saw in Shuichi's face that he had resigned awhile ago, without either of them realizing at the time. So he simply said, "But you_know_…"

The smaller man smiled. "Yes, I know… sometimes." He thought it was ironic that he finally had Yuki's full attention, the man hanging off of every word he said.

Brushing the back of his hand against Shuichi's cheek, the blond man turned it to face him. "Shuichi… _all_ the time."

And that was the thing that broke Shuichi's fragile control. The younger man leapt up onto Yuki's lap, accidentally knocking away the spoon he was just being fed with in the process, and wept into his shoulder, "I know! I know! I love you, too, Yuki!"

Yuki's arms around him tightened. "Shu-chan…"

"Yuki, this hurts so much! Having to leave you. I'm sorry for breaking my promise!"

"I know… Me too."

And then, they both fell silent. The sun was almost completely below the horizon now, and half the sky was still aflame with orange. The only sounds besides a slight breeze whistling through the tall grass around them was Shuichi's loud and ungraceful sniffles.

"You're gonna regret letting me go to America, you know?" This was Shuichi, muffled because he had his face buried at Yuki's shoulder. He was toying with a strand of hair at Yuki's neck that had been tickling his nose.

"Yep. And you're gonna regret going to America," Yuki's voice wasn't altogether steady either. "Your English sucks."

Shuichi let out a teary chuckle. And then all of a sudden, the evening was filled with Shuichi's chatter again, beginning with, "Mouu… Yuki's so mean! Where's that spoon? No more food for you!"

And this one time, Yuki thought it was okay to laugh at his lover's silly antics, letting the feeling wash over him and making him feel just a little bit less sad, if just for tonight.

-----

Author's Notes: I wanted to write a different kind of Shuichi, more mature and more independent than most authors depict him as. He's used to Yuki's stunts, and more confident in Yuki's feelings for him. And as for Yuki, he can definitely come across as a bit OOC, but I think that this is what would happen, if he ever did fully face life without Shuichi. And contrary to a lot of stories I've read, I think this amicable break up is much more heartbreaking. Let me know what you think!


End file.
